PART 15 – DUMP A GUY, GAIN A GIRLFRIEND

This is a serial about love and awakening. Previously: Billy can’t choose between the three women he’s dating, so I bow out. Then I email one of the women, Sally Burton. Check “Recent Posts” on right side of page to read past installments or to start with Part One.

Sally and I are at my kitchen table, eating buffalo chilli and drinking red wine. We like each other immediately. She’s almost as tall as I, (Billy had said he only dates tall women) and she has natural red hair, a runner’s body and a great sense of humor.

She’d called right after receiving my email and said, “I told you we’d have things in common. I didn’t expect it would be a guy from match!” She tells me she’s not interested in Billy and has been composing a kiss-off email in her mind.

We compare our stories of Billy, filling in the gaps, alternately laughing and wincing. He’d taken Sally to a concert in Denver long before he asked me to say yes or no. “The concert was okay,” she says, “but I thought he was dull.”

“So did I! He was boring on the phone. But when we met in person, the chemistry took over.”

She says she never felt any chemistry, and she did not have a date with Billy on the morning he left my bed at 9 a.m. Whomever he saw, it must have been a washout, because he called me three times after that. He did take Sally to a festival movie that night, then called me at 11:30 and asked to come sleep over, knowing he’d just made a date with her for breakfast the following morning. He was planning to repeat his morning exit-from-the-bed.

Did he tell you he was sleeping with me? I ask.

“Duh…no.” Sally says, “But I had a creepy feeling about him, and I kept him at arms length—literally. I didn’t want him to touch or kiss me.” She says Billy urged her to come visit him in Lone tree, just as he’d urged me and probably urged Kitten Rourke. (Number 3)

“When I walked away from our last breakfast,” Sally says, “I thought, fat chance I’m driving to Lone tree. I think match is full of guys like that – double D’s –deceitful and dysfunctional.” We discuss whether she should send that email she’s been composing or just go silent – not reply to Billy’s calls or emails.

“Part of me wants to let him know he can’t get away with this shit,” Sally says. “You know, he made me wear Kitten’s name tag at the festival? He’d bought one pass for himself and one for his dates, and they all had to wear Kitten’s tag because she’d gone with him the first night.”

I can’t believe she’s a lawyer, with that name, I say. Let’s google her.

Sally takes out the laptop she’d brought along and types in “Kitten Rourke.” (not her real name, which is even more preposterous, trust me) Up pops a website with pictures of her all over it.

“Oh….my…God!” Sally says. “I can’t compete with that! I mean, my body’s in good shape but she looks like a porn star.” (Interesting, isn’t it? A moment before, Sally had said she wasn’t interested in Billy and now she blurts that she can’t compete.)

In the pictures, Kitten is tall and slender with the face of a classic American beauty and long blonde hair that’s spiky on top. The skimpy dress she’s wearing shows boobs like Dolly Parton’s, and a tattoo of a snake runs around her bicep, biting its tail.

We click on her bio, which says she graduated from Harvard, then got a joint degree from Harvard Business School and Law School, started her own venture capital business, retiring in her thirties because she’d made millions. Then she became a free-lance adventurer, going on dangerous missions and writing a series of books about them: “Adventures of the Cat.” She’d sailed in the Americas Cup Race and did long distance ocean swims between the islands in Hawaii.

“This sounds way fishy,” I say. If she’s for real, what’s she doing on match? And why is she dating Billy? She should know lots of brilliant rich guys.”

Sally says that Billy told her Kitten was moving from San Francisco to Boulder and had gone on match so she would have men to date when she arrived. Kitten told Billy that she’d received a thousand replies.

“I don’t doubt that,” I say. “This is every man’s fantasy: a sexy bombshell who’s smart and rich.”

“And available,” Sally says.

I can understand why Billy didn’t want to let go of this fish.

I look up Kitten’s books on the net — they’re issued by a publisher I’ve never heard of. Probably self published — the sample chapters are amateurish.

The following day, I call the Harvard registrar, expecting to poke another hole in this balloon. I say I’m writing an article and want to confirm that Kitten Rourke graduated from Harvard College and obtained a joint degree from Harvard Business and Harvard Law School. An hour later, the registrar emails me: “The person in question attended Harvard College and did obtain a JD/MBA.”

Damn. If everything she claimed was true, why was she advertising on match.com? It didn’t compute. But then, neither did my trolling on the site.

That night in my house, though, before we’ve even found out that Kitten did go to Harvard, Sally and I hit the dark chocolate gelato for comfort. We wonder if we should warn Kitten about Billy. We’d like to post a Beware notice on match.com, but they don’t let you post reviews of your dates. They should. We could contact Kitten through her website, but then she might tell Billy….

“I’m going to send that email to him,” Sally says, typing it on her laptop. The final line is: “Please do NOT call or email me — ever.”

She pushes Send. “There. That feels really good.”

We relish the poetic justice: He plays the two of us off against each other, then we both dump him and become fast friends.

TO BE CONTINUED

Please leave a COMMENT.

PENIS FINDER CONTEST WINNER
Thank you all for the fantastic comments! It was so tough to choose a winner, I had to enroll five judges to reach a consensus. AND THE WINNER IS….
Harry Tucker
FOUR-WAY TIE for second: Samantha, Gini Maddocks, Gordon, and Beauregard
Check them all out.

Harry, please send your address. And choose one of my books.

This blog is based on a true story, but names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.

 

—————

Subscribe to Sara’s Blog:

CLICK HERE to order The December Project.

 

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and conversing. So please leave a comment below.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

19 thoughts on “PART 15 – DUMP A GUY, GAIN A GIRLFRIEND

  1. Anonymous

    Sara,
    Thank god you dumped that loser.
    It was brave of you to tell this story, but then I find your writing compelling for just that reason.
    I hope you find a guy that loves and cherishes you for yourself.

    Reply
  2. rick the celestial cowboy

    dear sara and friends,

    i admit i loved this last blog. it brings back fond memories of something i did a few years back when i was writing for PEOPLE WEEKLY MAGAZINE. my editor hal wingo sent me to hurricane, utah and colorado city, az. to interview some polygamists, including the infamous alex joseph. since sally and sara are adept at 'goggling,' you might try this one, just for fun.
    alex was an ex-marine and former highway patrolman who had 13 wives. one was attending the university of arizona, majoring in law, and another had a master's degree in education. the girls were very friendly and posed for photos and opened myself up to interviews. my photographer paul degruccio said, ALEX, I HAVE A QUESTION. I MEAN, I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH MY OWN WIFE SOMETIMES. HOW CAN YOU KEEP UP WITH 13 WIVES. alex smiled and said in a soft voice, PAUL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST APRODISIAC? paul said thoughtfully, GINSING, because the girls and alex manufactured the stuff. NO, said alex, VARIETY.
    keep it up, sarah. from all the bloggers on this site, you'll have another best-seller if you just sell books to the people who have made their contributions here. lol…

    Reply
  3. Sunnymay

    Oh, you are both up to mischief, need to stand in a corner, and most of all, playing with a volatile fire. I don't know if I could stoop so low as to pretend to be the other lady and send an email icognito. It does serve him right to be two-timing or (gasp) three-timing and not be called on the carpet for his misdeeds. Jerks tend to not admit to bad behavior or make no comment and use the silent treatment back to you.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    I enjoy your writing, Sara. And we have much in common, as I am nearly 50 and used websites like Match a lot. We even live in the same state.

    Your misadventures make for good reading, but your blog also disturbs me. I think it's because you not only “hold on” to a man long after you realize he's bad for you, but you “hold on” by continuing to think about him, talk about him, and otherwise waste your energy on him. That's no way to find the good man you claim to seek.

    I met lots of losers via dating websites, too. But when I realized he was no good, I said goodbye and moved on. Finally (and I mean after at least 50 first dates and many more email introductions over 4 years), I met a winner and married him.

    Thanks for the great stories, and for the example you set for women on how NOT to date. I wish you well.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    How the Hell old are you ladies??
    Honestly, you act like my 14 year olds.
    For Heaven's sake, grow up…and find something besides your t's and a's that you can love and be grateful for about yourselves. Then perhaps you can take these moments of rising and falling that inevitably come as part of relationships in life with a little more grace.
    It's not what happens TO you in life, ladies, it's how you handle it that is the measure of who you are.
    And on that score, I would say you're not doing all that well…for adults.
    Although I guess it DOES make for an interesting (if sorta trashy) romance novel.

    Reply
  6. Peter Lake, LAKE Real Estate

    When I got half-way through this I asked myself, “Are we in high school here?”
    In the first place, let's get Kitten out of the way.
    As you may recall, I'm an expert –a real expert, as in United States Federal and California and Idaho and Missouri and Arkansas and Washington and Colorado court-approved expert witness — at ferreting out frauds and deceptions. Not to mention killers and robbers.

    As you may recall, it was your friend, moi, who found and exposed suspected Gardner museum thief Brian McDevitt and got him expelled from our beloved (ha!)Writers Guildwest and then WGAeast, not to mention got him convicted of yet a fifth crime that carried prison time.

    I find (I smell 'em)frauds all the time and Kitten is one.
    Sara's instincts are correct about Kitten, Harvard's imprimateur notwithstanding. That stuff about sailing in the America's Cup — bullshit. Making millions and dropping out. Half true — the part about dropping out.

    Harvard and Harvard Law have a large number of prison alumni. When Alan Dershowitz was instructing first year students he used to tell them that it was as likely a person sitting beside a student was going to go to jail as go into public service.

    But Kitten's got nothing to do with this. It's Sara and Sally versus Billy, who we know is a liar and a two-timer, so if that makes you happy, then go for it, as I think you will.

    — Mr. Manners

    Reply
  7. charliemay

    Fun commentary. Though I'll bet a “dollar to a donut” that Sally slept with Billy. Otherwise it doesn't explain Sally's fascination with the 'Billy' story.

    As Shakespeare once said, “He doth protest too much.”
    She found him boring on the first date to the concert? Why didn't at that time she just move on? Something is not jiving here.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous

    I concur with the other Anonymous — I find the whole catty/Kitty discussion representative of why female relationships are so unsatisfying. That competitive thing always rears its ugly head. Disgusting that two grown women can sit around and bash the guy and compose nasty e-mail — so childish. Since when does anyone anywhere think these Match relationships are worthy of women who have pride, dignity and self-worth? If the whole thing is just about sex…seems that would be the easy part. Mature women possessed of esteem of years and experience do not need loser men for “fun” and do not engage in female angst, plotting, etc. This story is deteriorating. Go back to using independent judgment born of life experience!

    Reply
  9. Anonymous

    When I told my brother about your situation, his comment was “this just points out the difference between how men and women look at the world.” And Rick's story above gives another confirmation of that view. I guess for a lot of guys, Billy's behavior (at least as far as the sex) wasn't that bad.

    Reply
  10. charliemay

    Re: Anonymous.

    Opportunism abounds on both sides of the gender walls. There are a lot of women in their 20's and 30's who love keeping 5-7 guys on the string.

    Reply
  11. Bluekelpie

    Sara, the first thing that grabbed my attention was the fact that you were eating buffalo chili! Really? I eat mainly raw, organic foods. That was hard to compute. I think this friendship between you and Sally has gotten very, “Sex and the City” and I rather enjoyed reading it, but have no idea what to make of it. I am still stuck on the idea of you eating buffalo meat. Please get a hold of David Wolfe's, The Sunfood Diet. It is a diet of the mind, a philosophy to live by as well as a physical diet. It literally changes the way you think. I believe you would like it very much, not that I am trying to persuade you to go raw. Anyway, Sally sounds nice and you got a new friend out of it. Respect and Blessings

    Reply
  12. Sara Davidson

    Bluekelpie, buffalo is leaner than beef and more healthy, is raised locally on grasslands with no hormones injected or added to feed. In Colorado, many of us have come to treasure it. I'm a carnivore, but also eat organic raw fruits and veggies. Michael Pollan was here recently giving a talk, and he said there are many different diets that produce healthy humans. So I think people should listen to their bodies and eat what makes them feel vital and strong.

    Rick, the CCP: I also did a story about Alex Joseph and his 10 wives, for Rolling Stone back in the daze You can read it on my website: http://www.saradavidson.com/articleC2.html

    Reply
  13. Bluekelpie

    Thanks for the info. about buffalo meat. I agree we need to listen to our own bodies. Now, about Billy … I am wondering what he's got that has 3 amazing women thinking about him so often. Sally said she did not experience the chemistry and thought he was dull. It seems that Kitty, with all her brains and beauty would be with with someone more active and progressive in the world. But, then, the same can be said about you. You manifest so much creativity in the world and you were hung up on the guy. Maybe for you it was mostly about the sexual union? Difficult to separate the heart and mind from that. He really is a player and doesn't seem to have much character so the question remains; what do 3 such beautiful accomplished, active, progressive women see in this jerk??? Why give him the time of day when you all deserve so much more than what he seems capable of sharing? Hummmm, do you unconsciously choose a man who is a bit unstable because you get off on the adrenaline? The real question seems to be; What do you, Sally, Kitty etc… gain from being “in relationship” with Billy the Bad? You gain an internal struggle, reason to reflect upon your values, another look at the passions that govern your life, and great sex with a complicated and basically unavailable man with whom you share a strong sexual chemistry. You also gain the excuse to not face certain things about yourself because you're so busy trying to figure out Billy. (But, I actually think you are an amazing archetype of a woman in her power and I don't mean to imply that there's anything lacking in you. I don't believe there is). Just trying to see the value you get from giving so much attention to someone who clearly isn't deserving of your love and energy and is incapable of nurturing your spirit. Respect and Blessings, Joey

    Reply
  14. Elise

    I don't think that getting tangled for a bit with Billy is any kind of avoidance of yourself. When on a dating site, we often get into these temporary messes with people and it takes a while to figure out just how deceptive they are. I consider myself a feminist and I've been mangled
    around by some real doozies. I think it's great to compare notes: it takes away all the mystery that Billy feeds on.

    Reply
  15. Dr. Barbra

    Now you have a wonderful Wife-in-Law!

    I have 2. One from my first husband and one from the second.
    We keep in touch and visit each other and love each other.

    I didn't keep all the wives and girlfriends. Just the ones that I loved. They are so much like me!

    Reply
  16. rick the celestial cowboy

    bluekelpie's comments seem a bit one sided. he questions sara and sally what they 'see' in billy and calls him a jerk. cannot the same question be asked of millionaires like donald trump and his fellow jetsetters who dump a beautiful and faithful wife, for another beautifu — more beautiful??? — faithful wife that all the women know is a jerk. yet the donald will leave ivana for marla maples, and then absent marla for another woman, etc, etc, etc. and for what…the sex is different? it's better…she drinks my favorite drinks…likes my favorite music…appreciates my favorite sexual positions. i mean, where does it end and to what purpose? as i have matured, much like frank sinatra's classic IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR, i have begun to look at women the way the impressionist artists like monet did their paintings. many of the artists were so poor they could not afford to buy another canvas, so they would do a painting, and then paint over it and do a second painting on top of the first, so they might have three or four masterpieces on one canvas. THAT IS A WOMAN! guys, don't abandon one woman for another when you can find that second woman in your first, if you only took the time to understand her and peel back the paints on the canvas.
    as for alex joseph, sara, wasn't he something? he blew me away and almost — i say, almost — had me convinced. glad you met him and did the story.

    Reply
  17. Sean

    I am reminded of a posting in my High School yearbook from long ago, “To Sean, may all of your wives and all of your girl friends never meet”. Not that I have had many wives, but rather it is not beneficial for someone as Billy to have their prospective dates engage in conversation. How quickly does the bloom fall off the rose, when one discovers their lover's short comings. So much easier when only dating one at a time, and then it's easier to concentrate on developing a relationship. As always, enjoyed you latest post.

    Reply
  18. Anonymous

    sara,

    i think you should gather the people who have made the most interesting comments on your site and invite them to a party. I'LL BRING THE WINE! just tell me where to show up and i'll be there, either with my horse and saddle or a good psychedelic van with some music to remember. lol.

    Reply
  19. Debbie

    As the old saying goes, “men may come and go, but women stay friends forever” – the older I get, the truer I find this old axiom to be! At least you got SOMETHING (aside from some great sex) out of your relationship with this guy!

    Also, I noticed that Sally mentioned that she actually “went out” with Billy on dates – did you ever actually “go out” with him, or were most of your rendevous at your place?? Well, at least you didn't have to wear a nametag with “Kitten” on it like Sally did!

    Reply